“Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed”, Michael Pritchard
This week has been a bad one. The combination of torn buttocks muscles, reactivated/re-injured herniated disk, bursitis, trapped nerve , and fibromyalgia have depleted me. I cannot walk without tremendous pain. I had to go to my doctor ‘s office in a wheelchair, a humbling experience. I began to wonder if the pain would ever leave and more importantly, which of my above structural issues caused this unusual (for me) dis-ability. It seemed important to know…which one is the cause of this pain?
The most wonderful experience of the week so far was meeting the resident physician in my own doctor’s office (who is himself a very caring, thoughtful, knowledgeable physician). This resident in Family Medicine is both a chiropractor and a medical doctor. How fortunate for me. Given the knowledge that chiropractors would have in regard to my own muscle/bone issues, I was happily surprised that I had an expert in regard to the herniated disk, which worried me the most. I spent an hour in the office with both he and my family doctor, talking me through my fears. I left greatly relieved although I knew I had a long struggle ahead of me, particularly in regard to managing fears of danger that comes with pain. How lucky I am to live in such a great country with this wonderful health care system. How wonderful to find a combination of disciplines within the traditional medical perspective of physicians, particularly with my doctor-phobia.
I am on heavy pain medication (and even a sleeping pill, my first!) for the next week or so (both lying down or sitting is excruciating). I moan and yelp with trying to stand and walk and I am housebound . I was told that it will take a longer time for my body/back/leg to heal than for others without fibromyalgia. I already suspected that. I can’t sleep so I become fearful. There is no one specific cause, but multiples. Why should I bother to try to explicate one from the other, I was admonished. Of course! Give up that obsession and move on!
Nevertheless, in spite of the wonderful medical advice I received, danger seemed to lurk, especially when it is 3 a.m. I knew that I had to change my negativity to more positive thoughts or my brain would continue to dwell on the pain without respite. The chiropractor/medical doctor told me to meditate, (to read Jon Kabat-Zinn who just happens to be one of my favourite meditation instructors!), and be patient . He showed me two gentle stretches. We talked about neuroplasticity (see many of my previous blogs on this topic). Ah, trying to change this old brain stuck in fear is not easy.
Then, finally, what I needed most to reinforce what I already knew: I received this e mail from a concerned health professional, phenomenal physiotherapist, who knows me well and understands where the pain is coming from. Once again he changed my perspective . He writes:
“My body is not a safe place” It is possible to have a radical shakeup and cognitive restructuring, but it is never easy and there are likely always “ghosts” (or neurotags) that linger. Pain is more related to the brain’s perception of danger than it is to danger itself . I think it is clear that you have been “blessed” with a highly sensitive system. That system was then conditioned through many years to be highly protective in some ways, while also being (forgive the characterization here) somewhat masochistic in its concern for others. The world was never a safe place. Gradually, not even your own body felt safe. Before I go further, understand that I fully acknowledge the structural issues that have been found in your body and I understand how those “issues in the tissues” can contribute to a pain experience. However, I am concerned with how readily you revert back to those structural explanations of cause.I think the perception of danger from those issues is far more of a contributor than the potential danger that they actually pose. As you know, your central nervous system is highly conditioned to fear, stress,and pain. Letting go of the beliefs that structural problems cause pain is paramount to challenging the thoughts that keep it going…I think that your nervous system can always change. It will be harder, but it is all about threat reduction…and that begins by reducing threatening thoughts. Challenge those beliefs that are not accurate.”
Thank you, my friend.
I have found that a lot of doctors don’t really believe in fibromyalgia and they seem to think I was making it up, but the book “Beat Sugar Addiction Now!” is written by a doctor and he knows so much about it. I feel like I learned a lot about my own body just by reading the section on FMS, and it made me annoyed that no one had told me this before. I started reading the book because I thought it was a diet book and would maybe help me lose weight, and if I wasn’t carrying around so much weight maybe I would feel better overall and be less achy. But it’s actually a whole part on fibromyalgia is in it and I learned a lot about my hypothalamus that I never knew before. The information is good and smart science but not too hard to understand. You need to find help if you have what I have-so much pain it hurts to pull my shirt over my head or bend down to tie my shoes. I had to start wearing ugly crocs just because they were easier to put on and more comfortable, and that is not who I wanted to be-a fat person in unstylish shoes who has trouble getting in and out of the car. I feel like if I can find a doctor who will help me and I can do what it says in this book, I will get a lot better. It is written very convincingly and you can tell he knows what he’s talking about. Plus he has a list to help you find doctors that treat FMS and I am ready to get treated and stop feeling like my nerves are exposed every time I move.
I can relate to what you say Cindy. I have been off pure sugar now for 12 days and that is a difficult addiction to beat as so many things have sugar in them. I am eating 3 fruits a day to compensate. Sugar stimulates my nervous system as does caffeine and white flour, stress, excitement, negative thoughts, distress, fear, overwork, over-caring for others…the list is endless.
I agree also that when a person is overweight self esteem and self image is often destroyed. The difficulty for people like us is to find the right way to exercise/move without causing more pain, eat right and pace oneself, meditate, do things we enjoy depending upon our level of energy on a particular day. This is a difficult life sentence and takes discipline to work with it. One of the most difficult challenges is staying optimistic about changing our nervous system and giving up sugar is a first step (of many, however). I would not like to pretend that giving up sugar is the whole answer to fibromyalgia as it is a more complex issue than that. Sugar isn’t good for anyone and certainly worse for those of us with fibromyalgia, but there are so many other issues that need to be addressed that it worries me you are placing all your hopes on beating a sugar addiction.
Best wishes, Barbara
There we have it again… Mind over matter. I remember Ryan telling me many times at One to One that my belief that I could move more weight/be stronger ( or not) would have me “give up” in my session before muscle fatigue actually lead to failure to complete a repetition. I have always loved The Body Shop expression “Know Your Mind-Love Your Body”… and of course all that Buddhist training is all know the mind work. Mind The Gap!
Thanks Dawn. MUST read more Buddhist training the mind ‘stuff’! A friend sent me a card which said “Let the stillness nurture you, the silence sing you back to health”… how appropriate and lovely!
Barbara
Each post I have read is well written and to the point. I would also like to state, not only are the posts well written, but the design of your web-site is excellent. It was easy to navigate from article to article and find what I was looking for with ease. Keep up the excellent work you are doing, and I will be back many times in the future.
Great to hear from you Damon!
Hello Barbara – I’m finally dropping by just to noodle around your wonderful website — and I’m so sorry to (belatedly) learn of your “bad week” back in June (what an understatement!) — “…combination of torn buttocks muscles, reactivated/re-injured herniated disk, bursitis, trapped nerve , and fibromyalgia ..” Yikes! I do hope that by now you are feeling much better.
Once again, your topics ring bells for heart patients as well as for those diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Your “fearful, threatening thoughts of danger” are particularly common for heart attacks survivors, often thought to be a companion of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (some estimate that 30% of heart attack survivors suffer from undiagnosed PTSD). Sometimes even the start of a harmless twinge of chest pain is enough to throw us into a complete state of terror as we steel ourselves: “Is THIS the day I’m going to die?”
One of the hallmark symptoms of PTSD is “a sense of a foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span)” Dr. Stephen Parker, an Alaska cardiac psychologist who (more importantly to me) is also a heart attack survivor himself) wrote recently about his textbook example of this kind of fearful thinking you write about:
“Three months after the heart attack, I went to Home Depot to buy something for the house.
“I walked inside, saw the plethora of nice things to make a nice house, and started feeling extremely depressed.
What was the point? I knew I was going to die within a short time.
“I walked out without buying anything. Very Un-American of me.
“I could hear a critical voice in my head repeating, Get over it. I could no more get over it at that point than I could fly to the moon. (Which is about where my mind and soul were hanging out.)
“There is nothing like the sense of foreshortened future to un-motivate behavior.”
Here’s a link to Dr. Steve’s blog: http://heartcurrents.com/ptsd-criteria-7-forshortened-future/
Meanwhile, I do hope you are doing better than when you wrote this original piece, Barbara.
cheers,
C.
I love receiving your comments Carolyn. As usual you are right on target! This catastrophic thinking has plagued me all my life, even more so now that I am so responsible for looking after my 93 year old parents with a father who has Borderline Personality Disorder which is much worse as he ages.
Just had a cataract removed and spent the last 10 days wondering if every sensation was a sign of disaster or threatening to my sight.Like the people who suffer from heart ailments, those of us with fibromyalgia are always on guard for “the worst”. Ahhh, are we fortunate that we know so much about our patterns of thought now or worse than before? Change is so difficult!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for being my friend, even though we have never met!
Barbara