Women and Fibromyalgia

“Deep, unspeakable suffering may well be called a baptism, a regeneration, the initiation into a new state”, George Eliot

I have used the above title terms as those which haunt me on a daily basis. There can be little doubt that those of us with fibromyalgia suffer both physical and mental anguish on a daily basis. Which comes first is difficult to say with certainty. Most of us are high functioning people who have been broad-sided by pain and fatigue which causes the suffering and secondarily (my view) we suffer from the psychological after effects of living with the peculiar symptoms which plague us. There are many who believe that those with fibromyalgia have psychological problems that cause the fibromyalgia. My view is the opposite : I believe we have very active lives and then we are bomb-barded by the pain and fatigue which causes emotional uncertainty. However, it is obvious to me that we have many similar personality characteristics and our life stories usually reveal that we are highly sensitive people, many of us with damaged childhood experiences. I am somewhat uneasy about using the term ‘suffering’ as it reminds me of my early Catholic upbringing about ‘suffering up our pain’ to gain indulgences for heaven bound. Suffering mentally or physically (and I don’t know how to separate one from the other) is not a happy uplifting experience, nor in my view, should it be viewed as something that will help us in a presumed afterlife. With fibromyalgia it involves daily challenges and struggles.

I recently read an article on pain and self indulgence and it rang a bell for me as I have been mentally accusing myself of self indulgence. I whine a great deal when I am in pain which means giving in to it; I comfort myself when I am in pain by eating, nibbling, indulging myself with food that is not good for me and is bad for my weight; I frequently am doing things that I like long after they are good for my body, such as sitting too long in one comfortable place, lacking the discipline to move about frequently….ah, the list is endless. It seems to me that rather than being constantly hyper vigilant about my environment, it is better to be vigilant about setting boundaries for myself that help rather than hinder my body. Yet, I hesitate to use this word too as it has a somewhat religious connotation and could be interpreted to mean that self indulgence is ‘sinful’ and that self sacrifice is good for the ‘soul’. Rather, I mean discipline in the sense that I am looking at long term rather than the short term pleasures that will enhance the pain in my body.

Finally, by surrendering I mean that fighting the constant demon I have lived with for 45 years is a useless struggle. I don’t mean to imply giving up, instead I mean that  ’it is what it is’. Yesterday at my yoga session David, the instructor said the same thing. I was hesitant to try some of the poses because I told him I would be in pain. He pointed out that the pain was in the head (brain) and would be there anyway! Of course! The pain will not go away. It will be my constant companion, but I can’t keep fighting it hoping I will win. I can do some things that will prevent excruciating flare-ups though. Surrendering does not mean giving up or giving in to the pain. For me it means that there are few medications that help my overstimulated nervous system, therefore I have surrendered that hope. The usual medical approach to fibromyalgia does not work. I am the only one who lives in my body and if pain and fatigue are to be my unfriendly neighbours I have to learn to live with them in a less negative way, while I live life to the fullest in spite of their attempt to own me. We live side by side and need to get along better than we have in the past. My hope is that I can do more and more things to become stronger than they are to keep us from the constant wars we are waging on a daily basis. I have kept wallowing in fear; I am always afraid. I need to cultivate courage.

A friend recently told me of this Winston Churchill quote:”If you’re going through hell, keep going”. What other choice do we have?

Now, in my older years I have finally recognized what caused my fibromyalgia (many factors, among them living with a ‘borderline personality disorder’ parent, or as it is now called “emotional regulation disorder”). I have been fortunate to work with, interview and become friendly with many who have this demon in their lives. I can’t repair my hyper-aroused nervous system, nor change my hyper-sensitivity, but I can do some things to achieve a better quality of life: meditate, movement, strengthening, setting boundaries, avoiding stressful situations as much as possible…hmmm…this sounds like a good life pattern for anyone, not just for those of us with fibromyalgia. Brain, now hear this: I am trying to rewire  and change you!

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 20th, 2010 at 8:50 am and is filed under active lives, boundaries, challenges, childhood expereinces, courage, fearlessness, Fibromyalgia, giving in, giving up, highly functioning people, indulging in food, medications, parent with a borderline personality disorder, personalities, psychological issues, self sacrifice, struggles, suffering. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.