“One’s life has value so long as one attributes value to the life of others, by means of love, friendship, indignation and compassion”, Simone deBeauvoir
This week Estelle Getty died, one of the stars of The Golden Girls, a rather schmaltzy sitcom about friendships, the theme song words “thank you for being my friend” ringing clear in the hearts of some of us old enough to remember, even if we did not particularly enjoy the shows. However, it got me to thinking about the meaning of friendships among those of us with fibromyalgia, hence these following thoughts on the topic, in particular, friendships among women. While I might seem to generalize to all women and all men this is not my intent. I show here the results of years of observations, research and experience.
There are several aspects of friendships in general that are interesting, but none more so than the ways in which friendships differ among men and women. Men generally, (but certainly not exclusively, remember!) enjoy discussions about issues and events with male friends, for example, sports and news, while many women usually tend to discuss emotions and feelings with their friends. While this may seem to imply that women are not interested in current events/politics, this is, of course, not the case. Rather, it suggests that under personal stress women will often seek out female friends with whom they can unburden themselves. Men (heterosexual), by contrast, are usually less likely to confide fears or anxiety with their friends often because these are not the normal topics they share with their friends. However, certainly some men are able to do this more freely with perhaps either a family member or other males But, in either case for those of us with fibromyalgia a good support system of like-minded people in our lives tends to help with our daily challenges, although in different ways. Research has shown that friends between opposite sexes usually focus on more intimate emotions that women seem to foster in the relationshipfumi1.
It appears friendships are even more beneficial for women during stressful times, as research of Dr. Laura Cousin Klein (and her team), and Dr. Shelley E. Taylor (and her team), along with other researchers has shown.fumi1fumi2 It seems that when a woman is experiencing stress the hormone oxytocin is released which encourages her to befriend other women and tend to her children, in short, leads to what has been called ’maternal behaviour’. The more oxytocin that is produced, the more calming the effect. Conversely, when men experience stress, because of the testosterone they produce, it appears to reduce the effects of oxytocin, which they also secrete (while estrogen seems to enhance its production).
It’s interesting to note that often ‘support systems’ and ‘friendship’ discussions seem to equate the two. However, while interviewing women with fibromyalgia I have found that the terms differed considerably. Some women found that they received support from various health professionals, either a family doctor or a psychiatrist. Others who were prone to complementary or alternative medicine enjoyed the longer consulting sessions they received with a homeopath or naturopath because they spent so much time with them trying various approaches to give relief from the suffering of fibromyalgia. And those who had a sympathetic, caring partner or close family member discussed their support as coming from them. However, the differences between the idea of a friend or a support always seems to change when the issue of friends are brought up. Health care people, and spouses or close family member seem to fall in the support or caring realm, not unlike the roles of friends, so where is the difference? Women tell me that while they have good support (or maybe not) among professionals, they do not consider them to be friends.
Almost invariably when women are asked who their best friends are they will mention their women friends (oftentimes a sister is listed among them). I have personally, over many years of classroom teaching and seminars, asked females to name their best friends and they name them quickly. When I ask the same of men they will usually name their life partner, or suggest they have buddies with whom they have mutual interests, often sports, like golf. Women have told me that what they discussed with their friends usually (but not exclusively) was about emotions and feelings. 
The big issue here however, is related to how this differs for women with fibromyalgia and their friends. It is not uncommon for women in particular to keep secret the fact that we have fibromyalgia. We often cannot do the outings with them that we used to do. We may have to cancel a date with them because we are having flare-ups. We generally look well but feel miserable and it becomes difficult to explain to them what is happening with our bodies. It is not something that people who generally feel well most of the time can relate to when fibromyalgia and its spouse chronic fatigue is invisible. Fair weather friends will not have the patience but even solid, steadfast friendships are subject to stresses in the relationship. We are always in the process of wondering how to hold back with our complaints of pain and fatigue. Taking on the role of the ‘sick’ one in the friendship is not easy. It seems to me that we therefore value our support systems more than usual because they are paid (or not, as in an informal ’support group’) to listen to us.
For those of us fortunate to have a caring life partner or family member who is both friend and support, life is somewhat easier, but not without feelings of guilt for the burdens we often place on them. It is a complicated issue, this support system versus friendship relationship. Some of us are lucky to have both, but even then we are usually hesitant about talking so much about our challenges on a day to day basis. We need our friends and support groups to become our champions and advocates and treat us with love and compassion, but not pity. While it is common to say that : “growing old ain’t for sissies”, it can also be said that: “living with fibromyalgia ain’t for sissies’. Even more poignant: ”growing old with fibromyalgia ain’t for sissies”.