Women and Fibromyalgia

“Bridge is essentially a social game, but unfortunately it attracts a substantial number of antisocial people”, Alan Truscott

Those of us with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue need fun, lightness, play time, enjoyable games that bring us good cheer and laughter. There are no better ways to relax those painful muscles and let us forget for awhile how easily it is for us to become overwhelmed with fatigue! We are advised to find ways to relax, think positive thoughts, spend time with nice, friendly people and let our minds focus on happy places and events that add joy to our lives. Of course it is also important to keep our brains active and alert even when we experience ‘brain fog’.

Enter the ‘game’ of ‘playing’ bridge into my life. Two years ago I had the brilliant idea that now, since I was retired, I should keep my mind active; I would either ‘use it or lose it’. I was fond of the saying that ‘rest means rust’. People with fibromyalgia often suffer from a lack of concentration and I knew that I needed to keep my mind as sharp as possible. Two of the most challenging mind games are bridge and chess. Since I thought that bridge was a more social activity and one with which we could have a wife and husband fun time together, I opted to take lessons, much to my husband’s delight. He had played bridge many years ago, read the bridge column regularly and was happy we would be able to have an activity that we could do together. Plus, he would take some of the more advanced classes with me as I learned more about it. It is important to remember here that he does not have fibromyalgia and he is a retired math professor. Numbers and I have never been on great terms. People often deny that having a number sense is important to bridge playing. Ha! Don’t believe it! Let the challenge begin! I was now about to take Basic Bidding lessons. The words did not intimidate me… basic and bidding sound harmless.

My first few days were joyful. All women, we were happy to be with other like minded middle to older aged retired people learning a new ‘game’. The teacher was lovely and patient and we slowly learned the basics in a calm, non-threatening atmosphere. I had time to get up and move around, the seats were somewhat comfortable if I arrived early and found a good chair and everyone was in a helpful mode. The classes flew by quickly. We were eager to encourage one another if we did well and to support one another if we did not. I was in love with my new hobby. There was a great deal to learn but I felt confident I could figure out this game and enjoy it with my husband. Weeks of beginner classes ended and our instructor encouraged us to learn ‘duplicate’ bridge by playing with a partner in a room full of others, most of whom had been playing longer than we had. Meanwhile we would take more advanced classes.

So far no threat to my fibromyalgia, so happily my husband and I went to our first duplicate bridge event. Most of the players were strangers but I foolishly thought that since I had completed an 8 week course I was competent to play with these people who would recognize I was a novice and help me. This was my initiation into the world of hard nosed, competitive, (and sometimes even people  who became angry) players whose personalities changed the moment they had the cards in their hands. We could not ask for assistance nor speak about the game while playing it. Out of the cocoon I had been used to, I found the ‘game’ to be one of intense ‘playing’ without any help or support from the competitors. This was not ‘play’ as I envisioned it. This was complicated, hard work.

We decided that we would play ‘east/west’ so that we could move from table to table and not be in the same seat throughout the game. The movement would be helpful for my stiff muscles, we thought. Now, here it was, my first trial by fire. The two women we were playing against at the first table were long time ‘friends’. Two minutes later after her friend made a move she did not like the friend said to the other friend in a strident, sharp, clenched jawed voice: “WE WILL DISCUSS THIS IN THE CAR ON OUR WAY HOME”. 

Guess what kicked in? The beginnings of a fibro attack, of course! Always sensitive to nuances in a room I empathised with the woman who was being chastised. My nervous system went into overdrive. Fearful I would make many mistakes (and of course I did, I was so new at the game), I wondered if my husband would glare at me that way? Did others think I was stupid when I made mistakes? What was I doing here with these mostly unfriendly people? It’s safe to say that this was somewhat of a nightmare. I could barely wait for the afternoon to end.

Now I think I have average intelligence so you would think I had the brains to realize that this was not a relaxed ‘game‘ when bridge players get together. It is not play , but rather a mind challenge with fierce determination in a relatively non friendly atmosphere. There is no room here for the weak hearted, the overly sensitive person who wishes that people could get along well, help one another, avoid conflict, love their partners/friends and have a fun filled time. Whatever happened to the saying “Friendship first; competition second”? This is not a slogan for bridge.  It did not bode well for the hyper-aroused nervous system. People can often become angry with their partners, even cool headed, easy going, sweet natured husbands I was soon to find out.

So, did I stop this ordeal once and for all? Of course not! I plunged even deeper into the abyss, taking more lessons, this time a series called, of all things “Defence”. The name itself should have alerted me to the dangers. Why did I have to defend myself against an opponent in an often less than friendly atmosphere? Not one to love competitive sports I found myself using such language as slams, ducking, dummy (that was the first word I heard in the beginner’s class: what an awful sounding word!), hold-up play, vulnerable, unblocking, ruffing, scoring, take-out doubles, penalties, driving out opposition and defending, to name just a few! I realize that high level professional physical competitive sports is big business… but bridge hardly fits into that category, or does it? Wherever did this aggressive language originate from?

Well, now the ‘game’ became more challenging. I left the classes in a state of extreme confusion with crazy schemes floating around in my head. My husband came with me and actually enjoyed the classes! I had trouble concentrating; I could not remember the terms, let alone how to ‘defend myself’ and my partner. The language seemed incoherent to me. There was so much to learn. I am too old. The ‘rules’ of this game are never ending and always changing. What have I gotten into? Why isn’t there a social/psychological series of classes about what to expect in a frenzied room full of highly competitive people in bridge clubs who are working their tails off to accumulate ‘points’. Aha! here it is folks: they want POINTS! If they win they get points, not money, just points?!

Never one to be called a quitter I joined the ACBL so that I too could get points. This organization is a superb Association with a wonderful monthly magazine, filled with many bridge articles, most of which I don’t understand. I quickly turned to page 25 where my personal points were listed. I wanted them. I craved them. What I would do with them I never thought about. I just wanted them…lots and lots of points.They are so difficult to get though! I bought books, many, many books. I attended the ‘Play’ series of classes. I learned about conventions. BUT, did I retain any of this? Quite frankly, not much! “Play more” people told me; they said I needed experience and one day it would become more clear. “Play more outside of clubs”, they told me. But, I didn’t know many friends who played outside of clubs. By now I was addicted and wanted to play as often as possible and I wanted points. But the more classes I took the more brain fog took over. My muscles ached, my face was flushed bright red, the adrenalin was pumping, I was becoming more and more fatigued, my back was on fire. My husband became better and better. I hardly improved at all. Suddenly this very nice guy began giving me looks that were not very pleasant after I made one of my hundred mistakes. He began making little snide comments. I became more and more anxious. WHY CAN’T I REMEMBER BASIC COUNTING CARDS AND ‘TRICKS’?  Now that too is a funny word …”trick”. Shouldn’t tricks make you laugh and wonder how the magician does that trick? No one laughs at the bridge table. People are there for points. If we played and we did not accumulate points I felt discouraged. I have been in clubs in Nova Scotia, British Columbia and Arizona and people rarely laugh in a bridge club. It is a somber place. Sometimes, someone might smile though, but just before or after the games, not during the playing.

You might wonder why I didn’t just give up and play social bridge, or kitchen bridge. Well, I tried that but those people have been playing for years and years and know all the tricks of the game and since there were no points to be gained, why bother? Besides I didn’t know many who played ‘just for fun’. However, I could attend club sessions called ‘Play of the Hand’ that were more casual. Somehow though that isn’t as much fun as the addiction for points. Hmm, what does that say about me and my competitive nature? Maybe I see in others that which is inherent in me too?  This so called ‘game’ is making me very introspective! How is this tied into fibromyalgia, I wonder.

Back to my story. We slowly inched our way out of being Rookies (we needed 5 points for that to happen, some days we didn’t get any points, other days we maybe got .26). Now we were Juniors. I wanted more of those points. I worked harder and harder but to no avail. I would read a chapter of a book and promptly forget what I read or else never get the chance to do what the chapter said. In every game someone says” The hands have been so strange to-day”. WHAT? Aren’t the cards strange every day? That’s why cards are shuffled. Learning bridge is more difficult than anything I ever tried to learn before, but I am learning a lot about human nature, especially mine! I want to compete but I want it done in a friendly way. That, of course, seems to be an oxymoron where bridge is concerned.

Now we were off to Vancouver, British Columbia. Eager to keep up to speed, or at least try to get some speed, I called a Community Centre and asked the bridge person if we could join them. She eagerly said “Yes, and we have so much fun. You’ll have lots of laughs. We’re a fun group”. I could hardly contain myself. FUN? LAUGHS? That’s what I’ve been missing. My body is racked with pain; my nervous sytem is out of control but here was my opportunity to turn things around and play a game! Maybe the east coast of Canada is a place where people are more cranky than the west coast which is said to be far more laid back.

Alas! I was doomed. The woman in charge told us to take a seat; the bell would be rung in 15 minutes and no one was to go overtime and off we were to the worst experience yet! Nary a laugh, chuckle or even a smile. Now I think…aha, bridge is a game for humourless people. But, not one to give up so easily I decided that a non sanctioned game (that means no points could be gained) might be a better fit for me so we tried another Community Centre and finally I found a home. The people were jolly, laughed, joked and even met for coffee later in the Centre and gossiped about real life, not just cards. Barry, the instructor, was originally from South Africa, conducted classes around the city, did not belong to ACBL and was an international accomplished bridge player. Bridge is his life. The classes and games we attended were made up of people at about my level (actually most were better than I was) and we became great friends with most of them. We could ask questions even during duplicate games, after all no points were awarded. When we go to Vancouver, we rush to these classes and games. There we experience the Joy of Bridge (this is actually the title of a book). My anxiety level is not on high alert; my muscles do not tighten up any more than usual; I look forward to the coffee break afterwards. But, I live on the east coast and so far have not found the group that can compare with the one in Vancouver.

This past winter I decided I had better quit this game. I didn’t like my own response to competition and the sense of failure and inadequacy as well as the disappointment in the behaviour of many of the players. My husband, best friend, caring loving man was becoming more and more impatient with me. People said I should get another partner, that spouses should not play with one another. Somehow that doesn’t make sense to me. If you can’t play with your best friend there seems to be something wrong with the whole thing. Then I finally realize what the problem really is: I have fibromyalgia. I cannot stand conflict, or impatience with my lack of concentration, plus all those crazy never ending conventions that I don’t understand, changing rules, and the seriousness of the game, or feeling inadequate, or the physical pain involved when someone is unpleasant. I believe in life long learning but not at the expense of my health and often my principles. I wanted to tell the people who were mean minded to lighten up and show respect to their partners. I didn’t want to keep up the focus on winning points. For the non bridge person reading this I realize how silly it all seems, but there you have it. That is the nature of competition in general as well as addictions.

Like other bridge addicts I became hooked on the highs and lows of the addiction. I won’t bore you with two years of bridge stories and will go on to the conclusion. Except, I must point out that there IS expense involved and while cheaper than most other addictions, many cannot afford to attend these classes and games. Still others cannot afford the tournaments and bridge trips taken to garner more points. Learning chess might have been the best choice, it’s cheaper and you can choose the person you play with!

So here it was the early spring time and we took a two month break. I did miss one of the brilliant instructors, Jill, who is a magnificent, young, kind woman and about a dozen of the very nice people in the club. Within the last two weeks we went back twice. At one session we played and got  a few points; at the other session we did not.  We will never become ‘club masters’ but who wants to be a ‘master’ anyway? I am not fond of that term and all it implies! At one of the tables playing against us were two women who became very angry with one another. They bickered and actually raised their voices. Eyes rolled and sighs were loud. My stomach muscles went into spasm, my nervous system was on high alert. Then, again at another table we played a husband and wife team who were equally as dreadful and he demeaned her constantly. So much for playing the game. Sigh, nothing changes when competition is involved.

 I am not sure where we will go from here. I can tell I am not quite over my addiction for those foolish points, but I would not advise anyone with an easily aroused nervous system to try learning bridge. It takes a great toll on the body and psyche. I have a love/hate relationship with bridge. I envy the people I know who play kitchen bridge “just for fun” and can let it go after the game is over. But even then I am told, partners can become testy with one another! We do have two couples of friends with whom we play a very occasional game for fun and that is quite pleasurable, so maybe this is my best route.

What I would suggest is the other kind of relaxation ‘game’ that I play with a group of women whom I love. We play  a form of canasta at one another’s homes, after sharing a meal, with lovely music in the background and many laughs. We can hardly remember, nor do we care who won. It is truly a game, not a competition. It involves friends being friends and sharing laughter. It is play in the real sense of the word. Something we all need more of living stressful lives with pain. While it might not do much for concentration, it makes up for in friendship.

Happy solstice everyone. Summer is here! Time for some fun in the sun, of the relaxing kind.

This entry was posted on Friday, June 20th, 2008 at 8:31 am and is filed under Fibromyalgia, angry people, bridge games, concentration, friends, fun, hobby, laughter, life long learning, positive thoughts, relaxation, stress and pain. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.